hold your head high, heavy heart

Woo. Took me a while to remember my password

It is one day before I sink into an approximate 2 and a half months of semester break. Quite a lot has happened since my last entry. Best friend has returned to Hawaii last weekend and tomorrow marks the one month anniversary of my grandfather’s passing.

Mom: Do you feel that he’s really gone already?
Me: No.. No. Not yet.

We haven’t really gotten over the fact that he’s gone. Even during recent family gatherings when we talk about him, it’s like we accept the fact that he has passed away, but deep down we feel that he’s still there. It’s like…to me, he’s still back in his room in Yew Tee watching TV. Maybe cooking up a pot of asam pedas to share with my uncle and his wife who lives with him. (Or who lived with him.) Visits to his grave are the most…how do I put it. In-your-face kind of thing? When I pay my respects, all I can think of is how I’ll never hear his voice again. His little jokes. His quirky laugh.

He was sort of huge part of my childhood. I spent my Saturdays with him. I was still the youngest grandchild then and he’d pamper me. Cooked for me, fried keropok to surprise me and let me watch cartoons all day long, interrupting me now and then to make sure I’ve eaten. He always makes me eat. We share the same love for animals and because of him I’ve had my little share of playtime with cats, rabbits, fishes and hamsters. As I grew older the visits became a little less frequent but on every visit he’d secretly pass me $10 (if my mom finds out she’d always make me return the money haha) and on every birthday and hari raya he’d give me $50. Speaking of hari raya, this year’s celebration would probably be a huge smack to my head when I see that he’s not there.

I don’t know how long it’ll take to get over his passing because it’s my first time experiencing the death of a loved one. I’ve been to funerals of uncles and felt almost nothing except sympathy for their immediate family so when I saw the lifeless body of my grandad and kissed him goodbye, all the emotions that I felt that day was…a huge surprise. Nothing I’d imagined.

Don’t even want to imagine how it’d be like when someone in the house leaves too.

anybody wanna waste some time?

Best friend reached Singapore at about 1am this morning and it’s already the 8th week of school! The 2-week break starts next week but I think I’ll only have 2 days of real rest at home. Hopefully shooting projects and CCA meetings go well so I can get home faster and catch up on my Sims and my movies.

I’m currently watching Requiem for a Dream and my god, does Jared Leto look hot. There wasn’t enough of him in Fight Club! So I’m 16 minutes past an hour of the movie and it has already started to get a little depressing. Harry’s mother. Obsessed with the idea of appearing on television in the red dress she wore to Harry’s high school graduation years ago when she was much younger, much slimmer. Accepting the fact that she’s old, that she’s lonely with nobody to care for but yet yearning to become young again, to be at her peak.

Sometimes when I see my own mother dealing with ageing — wrinkles, greying/balding hair — I tend to think that hey, it’s normal for old people to have wrinkles and grey hair, but I forget that it’s the first time my mother’s going through the ageing process. 2 decades ago she was more or less as young as I am now…it’s not like she’s had those wrinkles since forever. 20 years from now I’ll probably be going through the same things she did: discovering wrinkles, maybe a bald spot. That, plus stressing over having to guide my children well. Maybe I’ll even have my own career to juggle with family life.

Hah.

I want to stay this age forever.

pppppronounciation

My grandfather is prone to falls. Once he fell while on the way home from the market but thankfully there was a passerby who helped him back. It’s worrying and numbing when my mother calls and tells me,” Your grandad fell again.” Usually he’d be fine; just superficial bruises or maybe a sprain, but his most recent fall gave him a huge bruise on the head and there was some internal bleeding.

Scary shit.

I think he spent like a month in hospital (he’s now under nurse care at St. Luke’s Hospital). There’d be times when he’ll be in a state of confusion and when someone visited him he’d ask them to “go get something to eat from the kitchen”, thinking that he was at home. Or he’ll be zoning out.. And he’d cry when he hasn’t seen his grandchildren for a while..

But last week’s visit was the best I’ve seen him in a while. Usually when we visit him he’d be sleeping and then when he wakes up my mom’ll feed him lunch. But last Sunday when we came he was already eating by himself, looking much much better and they’ve removed the “Complete Rest in Bed” sign next to his name.

(I just realised something. I think the bottom part of my entry got cut of by accident and I don’t remember what I typed out lol.)

shit almost hitting the fan

I need an organiser. BADLY. Like a real one with paper so that I can scribble dates, random notes and reminders and fold dog ears and highlight and sketch things out and find patterns in the mess. Schoolwork, CCAs, family and friends. I’m losing my focus. Especially with schoolwork and CCAs. It was so incredibly slack last year but I was way more diligent. Free afternoons, free weekends, free nights. And then I worked for 2 weeks…but. Er. Yeah. Now school’s like my second home. Actually I think I spend most of my waking hours in school.

And Grandad’s still in hospital. St. Luke’s locks their gates at 8pm so I can’t visit him on weekdays. And then most of my Saturdays are taken…le sigh.

I need to sort everything out asap. Like now. My time management skillz suck. And I’ve been forgetting things easily. Like submitting my Wednesday’s MC for instance. And handing up my DAT tape for Audio Tech class on Friday even though I wrote “DAT TAPE + MC” on my forearm. Next time remind me to write on my fingers or the back of my palm instead. Or maybe my forehead. Then perhaps people will help remind me too. And recently I’m even forgetting to reply to smses, especially if they require long replies, that I now actually prefer phonecalls (I used to have something against phonecalls…maybe a phobia or whatever, no idea…but I’d reject phonecalls just to end up conversing via sms, msn or e-mail).

So yeah~

Yesterday my mom and I visited a Watson’s store in Bukit Batok after visiting my grandad and she was telling me how some customers at her Watson’s branch would come in like, every morning to use the make-up testers on themselves. And some would replace testers with the new, untouched ones so they can steal the testers.

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ERRR. HOW GROSS? They put lipstick and lipgloss testers to their own lips and god knows on whose lips and hands those sticks have been tested on. Same with foundation and concealers and whatever. So I was telling my mom how I’d someday make a documentary on these freeloaders. Then maybe for fun, joy and laughter I’d apply the lipstick/gloss to my feet and in between my toes and then film the freeloaders using the very same lipstick/gloss on their lips.

…Yeah I’m in my mean mode right now.

If you’re afraid of balloons, I feel like popping 10 in your face :D

Ok maybe 5.

Blowing balloons can get pretty tiring.

I want to sleep but there’re so many thoughts bothering me. But it’s not like I can do anything about them at this time so I guess I’ll just…sleep, hope to dream of cute guys and worry full throttle in the day.

Ohhhhh yeah.

before my battery dies..

I want a kitten so bad but I don’t think I can be committed enough to want to potty train it or clean up its shit at this point. But guhhh so cute!

Yesterday I had one of those long serious chats with my best friend in Hawaii and we talked about her current situation and her future because she’s…lost and she now hates Accountancy and is working really hard to get a scholarship that’ll get her out of Hawaii and into Japan. I get frustrated for her because it’s mostly her parents or aunty who sort of have this vision for her and they try to get her on that track without really considering her interests and what she really wants.

Like. She was supposed to get into Mass Comm, in this very same school, and we would’ve been schoolmates for uh…8, maybe 9 years. But then her parents made her return to Hawaii to study in a community college there. At first she tried to be optimistic about it and stuff but after a while I guess it got a little um stagnant? I don’t know…but well. She’s lost now.

The only lame advice I could give her was to really just concentrate, ace everything, get that scholarship and leave Hawaii and ignore whatever objections from her family (basically what I’d actually do if I were her…except maybe the ace everything part). She’s 20 this year, I really hope she gets to go out there and do what she really wants to do. She told me she envied me because I was the type who would…like…when I don’t like something I’d not study it and just not care. And it’s interesting someone would envy me for that because I sure as hell know my family and teachers totally disapproved my er philosophy (if you can call it that) — don’t like then don’t care.

Ah well.

Looking forward to her visit next month

no one’s gonna take me alive

I have been loving and re-loving this band since I was 14, what with my many many different music phases, but every new re-loving brings my love for this band to a whole new level. It’s amazing :o And they’re the kind of band whose live performances are more orgasmic than their studio recordings, plus I LOVE IT WHEN THE FANS SING ALONG OMG. Makes me wish I was there. Muse was a huge part of the reason why I stopped listening to the radio. I’d have secret affairs with them all T-T<3

My top 3 5 Muse songs in no particular order:
- Unintended
- Time Is Running Out (VIRGIN MUSE SONG <3 LOVE LOVE)
- Stockholm Syndrome
- Plug In Baby
- Apocalypse Please

(Ok moving on, before I expand the list into my top 10…)

Haven’t really had the chance to get into their newer stuff except for Starlight and Knights of Cydonia ooooops. Need to kope the album from Simon!

Yummy British men.

And let me show you how sexy my Sims can be, and these two aren’t even my favourites:

The weather has been death recently. I think mom’s gonna faint from the bills instead of the heat. OH AND SKYPE IS SICKENINGLY FUN HAHAHA. I’m a Skype noob. I just signed up for one last week and I haven’t had many Skype sessions, but enough to know how fun/ny it is/can be :D :D But then again I think it depends on the people, y/n?

I love school <3

sat shoot

Past week has been catching up on school work, CCA stuffs and visits to the hospital with attempts to squeeze in as much The Sims 2 into my schedule as possible. The custom content that I’ve been downloading has been making my Sims look extra sexy. The game’s default Sims (inluding the default outfits) are incredibly fugly in comparison.

So anyway I finally got to play with a 50mm lens outdoors on Saturday :D !

80+ people on the first photography club outing. I wonder to what number it’ll dwindle to but wooooo, FMS people here and there! Awesome mawsums.

I have this impulse to get the Sympathy for Lady Vengeance DVD but I think my wallet’s long combusted.

the official first post

I have 32 tabs open on Firefox, just saying.

I AM BACK TO YEAR ONEEEEE! Only it isn’t really year one, just modules I haven’t taken last year in DVFX all crammed into one semester. I should be level upped to Year 2 next semester and if I’m not made to stick to just one class I’m going to go cry and eat ants.

People ask me why I decided to transfer and I’d always answer with an “Err…I love film.” But seriously, I can’t put my reasons into words. Probably because I have an incredibly weak vocabulary and an incoherent mind, but yeah. It’s like. Something in me just went POP and I realised that the stuff they do in FSV have always been the stuff my heart skips a beat over (Cameras! Cinematography! Filming! Crazy production work!). There were other factors, like how I also realised I cannot imagine myself stuck in a cubicle with a computer all day long for years as a career, but that burning thing to want to study in FSV, to want to learn more, was the big POP that made me hand in the transfer form.

Sure, I miss my ex-classmates, my little clique, my best friends in Poly so far. I miss the memories and I’m not part of the class anymore but it’s a small sacrifice to make to do something that I really want to do. Who cares about how long it takes. Who cares about what I’ve “wasted”. I’m still young, so many more years of exploring to do, woo!

Hopefully I can fit into whichever tutorial class I’m in this year and hopefully I can remember everyone’s names because I’m better at remembering faces andddd hopefully this semester won’t screw me over. I’m amazed at how packed it is. That plus all of a sudden, all my CCAs are getting pretty active. This was to be my schedule. AN EMPTY THURSDAY, WHAT?!

But anyway, YAY TO STORYTELLING AGAIN :DD Why weren’t there any powerpoints and bloggings to do two semesters ago T-T

And why can’t some people appreciate durians? Durians <3 Durian puffs <3×2

DUN DUN DUN

I saved my fish from a shark’s mouth.